


What Hurts the Most

by darktensh17



Series: Happiness... Is Not a Fish That You Can Catch [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Goodbyes, Grief/Mourning, Loss, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 20:00:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6624214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darktensh17/pseuds/darktensh17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“This isn’t entirely how I want to spend it; it’s just how I want to spend most of it. Don’t worry I’ve got it all planned out.” </p><p>Gasping, Poe arched into Ben’s hand. “Oh yeah? And just what is the big plan?”</p><p>-</p><p>Poe and Ben's last night together leads to more than they had ever planned; unfortunately all that comes out of it is heart ache.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Hurts the Most

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh summaries why do I suck at thee -shoves fic insert in-

“Ben,” Poe groaned as the taller male pressed kisses along the right side of his neck, stopping only to nibble and suck on a spot just below his ear. The action caused Poe to moan sharply and twitch his hips even as it turned his legs to jelly. It was a damn good thing that they were already lying in bed or he would have sunk to the floor in a trembling mess. Not that he wasn’t already quickly becoming just that on the bed under Ben’s warm mouth and hands.

“Common Ben,” Poe tried again, getting his hands up enough to push his gloriously naked boyfriend off of him slightly. “We only have a couple of hours together before you have to go back with your Uncle Luke, and this is how you want to spend it?” Not that Poe was complaining in anyway. Oh no; especially not when moments after their first reunion in months Ben had grabbed Poe by the hand, dragging him to Poe’s own quarters and then proceeded to vigorously fuck Poe against the wall. That had been half hour ago and Poe could still feel his body twitching from it half an hour later.

Chuckling and looking completely unchastened and even a little pleased with himself, Ben slid one of his hands down Poe’s body to wrap around his growing erection. “This isn’t entirely how I want to spend it; it’s just how I want to spend most of it. Don’t worry I’ve got it all planned out.” 

Gasping, Poe arched into Ben’s hand. “Oh yeah? And just what is the big plan?”

“First I’m going to bring you to heights of pleasure that you’ve never known.” Ben emphasized his words by rutting against Poe’s thigh, his dick already hardened. He obviously delighted in Poe’s gasp of pleasure at the action with the way he was grinning. “After we’re done round two, I want you to tell me all about your training at the Academy until we’re ready for rounds three and four.” 

Shivering as Ben’s mouth resumed it’s earlier task, Poe bit his lip to ground himself an asked, “and what if ahh. . .w-what if I want to hear about your Jedi training?” It was very difficult to form words with Ben’s mouth and hands all over him.

Ben went still at Poe’s question, pulling away from Poe as his expression darkened. “I don’t want to talk about my training.”

Alarmed Poe sat up enough that he could reach up and touch Ben’s face, tilting it up until Ben was looking him in the eye. “Hey, what’s wrong? You know that you can tell me anything.” Poe told been with complete sincerity and love.

“Is it the other apprentices?” Poe asked thoughtfully, going over everything that Ben had ever told him about his training, which was admittedly very little now that Poe thought about it, especially over the last few years. “Or is the problem your uncle? I know that you said it felt like he was holding you back from your full potential.”

Poe puffed up his chest and squared his shoulders, trying to look tough. “I may not be a Jedi, but if you need me to I can still kick his ass for you. He may be a Jedi Master and an accomplished pilot, but I’m going to be the best pilot in the Galaxy soon so I’ll kick his ass in an X-Wing.”

The comment pulled a startled laugh from Ben, who reached down to trap Poe’s face between his hands and kiss him until Poe’s head was spinning. “Poe Dameron have I ever told you how much I love you?” 

Chuckling and returning the kiss with the same amount of passion as Ben, Poe pretended to ponder the question. “You may have mentioned it a time or two.”

Ben pressed his forehead to Poe’s gazing deep into his eyes. “I don’t think I can ever say it or show it to you enough.”

Poe lifted his arms to thread his fingers through Ben’s thick black hair. “Let me be the judge of that.”

Ben grinned crookedly, a look that was very much reminiscent of his father Han Solo. “I take it that means you’re ready for round two then?”

Smiling back, Poe shifted his body so that their dicks rubbed together. “What do you think?”

-

A kiss to his brow woke Poe up, pulling him from a pleasant dream about flying through the skies in his mother’s A-Win with his Ben at his side. Groaning he tried to burrow further into the warmth he was lying on, only to have it pull away from him.

“Common Poe, it’s time to get up. I only have a short time to meet Uncle Luke at our ship.” Ben’s voice was soft but not rough from sleep, which meant that in the time Poe had been sleeping Ben had likely been watching him sleep. That thought brought a smile to Poe’s face; the smile quickly disappeared as he took in Ben’s words. 

Poe sat up looking at Ben with a pout on his face. “I don’t want you to have to go.” It wasn’t fair that they had to be separated, even if Poe knew that it was necessary for Ben to finish his Jedi training. It wasn’t just the separation that was hard; Poe was worried about Ben’s earlier reaction. This hadn’t been the first time Ben had shut down or become angry talking about his training. There were time during holocalls or in written letters that Poe could tell that something was wrong. 

Ben pulled Poe into a hug, pressing a chaste kiss to his pouting lips. “I don’t want to go either, but I have to.” There was so much reluctance in Ben’s voice; Poe threw his arms around Ben and help on as tightly as he could with Ben returning the embrace. It couldn’t last forever and eventually Ben pulled away, touching their foreheads together briefly before getting up. “If we don’t get dressed now someone’s going to come looking for us.” 

Since Poe didn’t relish the thought of being found naked by a Jedi Master, even one he knew had likely seen his naked butt as a child, so with a deep sigh he followed Ben out of bed and started pulling his clothes on. He was thankfully they’d had the foresight to take a shower before they’d settled down for a nap or else he’d be feeling really gross after four rounds sex; even with the shower though he was aware that he had a bit of a limp as he walked. 

“Let’s go before you get in to trouble.” Poe reached over and took Ben’s hand. Together they headed out to the airfield where Luke is waiting for them while talking to some of the crew that has assembled around them. He glances over at them and Poe has to fight back a flush of embarrassment at the knowing look on his face. Instead he focuse.ds on the way Ben’s larger hand enveloped his own and trying to imprint that feeling into his mind to keep him warm during their long separation.

Luke thankfully didn’t say anything to make Poe’s embarrassment worse; instead he turned to address Ben. “Are you ready to head out? I want to be back before night sets back at the school.” 

Ben nodded dutifully. “Yes, Master Luke.” He turned to Poe and pulled him into his arms, hugging him tightly, with Poe holding on just as hard. “I’ll send you messages whenever I can, and try and holocall as much as possible.”

Poe nodded, pressing his face into Ben’s chest. “I’ll send you messages everyday.” This wasn’t the first time they’d parted but somehow this felt too much like a last goodbye to Poe. “I love you Ben.”

“I know,” Ben tilted Poe’s head up and kissed him, not seeming to care about Poe’s presence. “I love you to.”

Savoring the kiss, Poe pulled back just before Luke cleared his throat to let them know their time was up. “Take care of yourself Ben.”

“You to you flyboy, I expect you to tell me all about leaving everyone else in the dust every time we talk.” Poe could only nod at Ben’s word’s grabbing another kiss before Luke practically dragged Ben toward the ship. “I love you Poe Dameron!”

“I love you to Ben Solo!” Poe cried back, waving madly and standing and watching the ship until long after it disappeared into the atmosphere.

It was hard for him to turn away and walk back to his lonely room.

-

During the next few weeks Ben and Poe kept their promises about messaging each other almost daily and were often lucky enough to get one holocall in a week. Things were starting to pick up for both of them though and soon the messages were coming less frequently, they were lucky to get a holocall in every other week and it wasn’t until three months after their night together that Poe realized he hadn’t heard from Ben at all in almost two weeks. Unfortunately he doesn’t have time to do much more than send a message telling Ben how much he loves him and misses him because he’s been so busy at that most nights he collapses in to bed aching all over and is asleep within minutes.

Groaning Poe pressed his palms to the small of his back, trying to relieve the pain that was there but as usually it proved fruitless. He wasn’t too sure just what he’d done last month but the pain was really starting to branch from uncomfortable to distracting, between that, the headaches and the fatigue he’d been feeling lately all he wanted to do was sleep most days. 

“Poe!” Looking up Poe saw Iolo coming toward him from the hangar entrance. “Everyone’s going to go out for some drinks you want to come?”

The though of food or drinks has Poe pressing his hand to his suddenly rolling stomach with a grimace. As much as he wanted to spend time with his friends and classmates, Poe has been avoiding food with the exception of an occasional snack and the nutritional mush the mess passed off for oatmeal, which was bland enough that Poe managed to get it down without gagging or wanting to throw up. 

Just as Poe was about to turn Iolo down he was hit by a sudden agonizing pain emanating from his stomach. Crying out, he wrapped his arms around himself and dropped to his knees as the pain continued, it felt as though he were being torn apart from the inside. Vaguely he heard Iolo calling his name and running toward him, calling for help as he did. The last thing Poe felt before the pain overwhelmed him as he passed out was hot liquid dripping down his legs and being hit by the over powering smell of blood. 

Poe wondered if he was dying and then he knew nothing.

-

There was a hand petting his hair; that was the first thing Poe realized as awareness slowly returned to him. It felt like his father’s hand and it was accompanied by the soft murmur of someone speaking to him. This was definitely his father’s voice. But papa was supposed to be on Yavin IV and not Hosnian Prime. . .had something happened?

“Papa?” 

Poe’s voice came out low and scratchy but Kes heard him and was leaning over Poe, gazing down at him worriedly. “Hey mijo, how are you feeling?” 

How was he feeling? Tired mostly and sore. He was also a little confused, it looked like he was in a hospital but he didn’t understand exactly why. “I’m okay papa.” 

“You gave us all quite a scare.” Kes said, taking Poe’s hand with his free one. “When I got a call saying you were in the hospital I thought the worst, I came over on the first flight available.” 

The events that had led him to being in the hospital were a little blurry to Poe. “What happened?” 

Kes’ expression wavered between sorrow and something else that Poe couldn’t quite place. He was silent for a few minutes, searching for a way to answer Poe’s question. “I’m not sure that should tell you before the doctor talks to you.”

Poe knows his father well enough to know that the man is trying to hide something bad from him by distracting him. The thought has Poe’s chest tightening in worry, just what happened to him? 

Someone knocked on the door to Poe’s room and the person who entered was most certainly not a doctor. Poe tried to sit up when he saw Leia Organa, Ben’s mom, Poe’s own sort of aunty, but stopped when he noticed his father glaring at her. “Papa?”

“You have some nerve coming here.” Kes growled, standing up and shielding Poe with his body. “Hasn’t your family done enough damage?”

Poe couldn’t see Leia’s expression but he could almost feel her sorrow. “Kes. . . this isn’t about you and I, it’s about Poe and he has a right to know.” 

Know? Know what? Poe pushed himself up, wincing as a pain flared up in his abdomen, and looked around his father to Leia’s haggard face. “What’s going on?”

Leia pushed passed Kes, ignoring his glare and took Poe’s hand, taking up Kes’ chair. “Poe, I don’t even.” 

Poe had never seen Leia looking so distraught and his mind went to the worst possible scenario because there was only one reason that Leia would be here. “Ben. . .w-what happened to Ben?!” 

A look of absolute grief crossed Leia’s features and Poe felt tears spring to his eyes. “There was an attack at the Jedi School,” Leia told him softly, tears thick in her voice, “. . . one of the apprentices turned to the Dark Side and slaughtered everyone. Ben is . . . Ben is gone Poe.” 

“No. . .no that’s not possible.” Poe shook his head his world felt as though it were falling to pieces around him. Ben couldn’t be gone. . .he couldn’t be dead. Tears flowed from his eyes freely as Poe wrapped his arms around him and sobbed, neither his father nor Leia said anything, allowing him a moment to grieve. 

For awhile there was nothing but the sounds of Poe’s broken sobs in the hospital room, eventually though they are interrupted when the doctor enters the room. “Is this a bad time?”

Sniffling Poe raised his head to look at the doctor, taking note that the man was looking at his father and not Poe himself. Kes was nodding his head but Poe stopped the doctor before he left. “No. . .I’m alright.” Sitting up a little straighter Poe turned to face the doctor. “You’re here to talk to me about why I’m here?” 

The doctor a kind looking older man nodded and walked over to Poe, glancing down at that data pad in his hands. “I take it no one has explained to you what happened?”

Poe shook his head, glancing over as his father and Leia both looked away from his gaze, their own expressions carefully guarded. “Am I dying doctor?”

“Goodness no my boy, however you did suffer from a miscarriage.” 

What?

“W-what?”

“I’m very sorry for your loss; there was nothing we could do for the babies they were already dead when you were brought in and our focus had to be on saving you.” The doctor said compassionately. “You appeared to be in perfect health so I’m a little surprised at the miscarriage, but we’re running tests to see what may have gone wrong.”

The doctor scratched at his beard thoughtfully, before speaking up once again. “I am surprised I must admit, your charts said you were fully human and scans of your blood revealed you’re near human species one with two genders. It’s not uncommon for pregnancy to occur but it is still quite rare.”

Poe couldn’t quite process what he was being told; near human species? Pregnancy? It was all too much and Poe wasn’t even aware of his eyes rolling back into his head as he passed out from shock. 

When he woke up it was to the sound of his father and Leia arguing bitterly about him and Ben. . .except Ben was dead and so to apparently were the children that they had conceived, Poe knew, on their last night together. Poe felt that he was well and truly alone. 

Neither Kes or Leia noticed that he was awake, but their argument ended abruptly when he suddenly spoke up. “I don’t understand. . .”

Kes hurried over and took Poe’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “Don’t understand what mijo?”

“If the doctor’s couldn’t find anything wrong with the babies or me. . .then why did I lose them?” Poe still couldn’t process everything that has happened, he was too grief stricken and in shock.

It was Leia who answered coming to stand behind Poe’s father. “We think it was the Force Poe. . . your miscarriage lines up with the massacre. . . if your and Ben’s children had the potential for the Force, it’s possible that the death of so many force users was too much and they couldn’t survive it.” 

Poe listened numbly and felt so many emotions surge up in that moment; pain, grief, despair and anger. He turned away from his father and Leia saying nothing curling up into as small of a ball as possible. Not only had the Force been the reason for him losing Ben but it had taken their potential children away from him as well. If the Force was supposed to be so neutral, Poe had grown up hearing about the Dark and Light sides of the Force, then why did had it taken everything from him in one cruel strike? 

Damn the Force, Poe decided then and there as he felt himself begin to cry helplessly once again, he did need it or want anything to do with it anymore because the price to pay for believing in it was more than Poe had ever been able to offer.

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea in my mind for awhile because I am a horrible person. I may just write a second chapter to it haven't decided yet. I had a bit more trouble with the second part than the first part, but I hope I kind of conveyed what happened okay? (Not sure that I'm too happy with the last paragraph but it'll have to stick for now)
> 
> Now if you need me I'm going to be over there in that special corner of Star Wars hell that I belong in, feel free to join me.


End file.
